


You're Someone I'll Always Hold Onto

by teyteycharisse



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Amnesia, Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/F, almost, but all works out at the end, lena knows kara Danvers is Supergirl, slightly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 12:44:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17508872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teyteycharisse/pseuds/teyteycharisse
Summary: Kara doesn't know what to expect when Alex called to tell her they've found Lena. But it's certainly not this, it's certainly not what she arrived to. It's certainly not Lena saying,"Who are you?"OrLena gets kidnapped by Cadmus, forgets Kara, and Kara has to accept the reality of their situation.





	You're Someone I'll Always Hold Onto

Kara doesn't know what to expect when Alex called her to say they've finally found Lena.

 

After almost a year of radio silence from Cadmus, blind spots, dead ends, and complete undetection from their radar; a signal finally warned them of the organisation's presence.

 

Kara didn't waste any time from storming the castle and rescuing the youngest Luthor. Rao knows how much she looked for her, how much she agonized every second they aren't together, how much she worked herself raw trying to follow leads just to come up frustratingly empty.

 

Kara didn't waste any time. She doesn't want to give Lillian any more chance to escape.

 

So she flew to the scene, only barely holding herself back from breaking the sound barrier in order to get to Lena immediately and finally-  _ finally  _ have her in her arms again.

 

Kara doesn't know what to expect once she sees Lena. She just hopes–  _ prays  _ that the woman she will see will even be a fraction of the woman she knows. She prays that Lillian hasn't manage to completely break her apart like how she so handcraftly tried throughout Lena's upbringing. She prays that Lena prevailed and remained strong and  _ hopeful _ that Kara will be there, that Kara will find her, that Kara will do anything in her power to be with her again.

 

She doesn't know what to expect– but the Cadmus agents, she did. Lillian's taunting, she did. The kryptonite encased bullets, she did. The agonizing seconds it took to take down Lillian, she almost did. 

 

But what she didn't anticipate is to find Lena in an isolated cell, unharmed, garbed in white overalls, and looking at Kara curiously, perplexed, and suspicious.

 

Kara's breath hitched at finally seeing Lena again. She  _ ached  _ to have her in her arms again, she  _ ached  _ to hold her against her, she  _ ached  _ to kiss her.

 

But when she stepped into the room, intending to reunite with Lena, she was halted by the words that escaped from Lena's perfect red lips.

 

“Who are you?”

 

And with those word registering, hanging in the air between them, choking Kara at the force of it, suffocating her, Kara didn't realize her world can crumble more than it did when she lost Lena.

 

\--

 

Alex said it was amnesia, though she spared her the medical details, she explained that it was a result of Lillian tampering with Lena's memories in order to shape it to coax Lena on their side.

 

The effects of the drug and device that caged her mind isn't expected to last, though they could be wrong with the lack of data and knowledge of what Lena had really undergone– citing it still under wraps and Lena being the first one tested of its abilities.

 

It didn't change the fact that it  _ hurt  _ to know Lena doesn't  _ know  _ her, much less remember what they have– _ had. _

 

It certainly hurt Kara to look at Lena's eyes and only find curiosity and confusion as to what her role is in the woman's life–instead of warmth and love, two feelings that never lost its shine in Lena's eyes whenever gazing at Kara.

 

Unable to handle it, unable to handle the reality of the woman she loves not knowing her, she asked Alex to look after her. She asked Alex to inform her of any changes.

 

She needs space. She needs time to process. She needs– she needs Lena in her arms, she needs to feel soft familiar lips pressed against her own, she needs green eyes and a fond smile, she needs  _ Lena _ . But she knows she can't, knows she won't disrespect Lena's space like that; especially now that she doesn't remember Kara.

 

And it's just the world's cruelest thing to punish her with because Kara ached, Kara is filled with yearning, Kara longed for Lena finally being beside her.

 

But she can't even be in the same room as her for fear of the pain of Lena not knowing her searing through her bones, more ruthless than a kryptonite, more painful than any weapon known to harm a Kryptonian. Seeing Lena, sweet, intelligent, Lena, gazing at her without that spark of familiarity and love in her green eyes, is enough to have Kara double over in pain.

 

Hence at the first sign of Alex's agreement, she flew. Flew as far as she could without leaving the earth's atmosphere. Flew where no one can see or hear her. Flew where she can not see Lena looking at her blankly–without recognition. Flew where she can take refuge–just temporarily, just needing a little bit of distance, just needing time to process, just needing enough miles to cry in pain, because she will come back, she will. She can never leave Lena, especially now that they found her– she just needs a little time for herself. Flew and screamed and cried and sobbed and keeled and doubled over in agony.

 

A pain more painful than any amount of kryptonite injected in her skin.

 

\---

 

Two weeks passed and Lena's condition still hasn't changed.

 

She still hasn't remembered anything.

 

But the woman is forthcoming with the people around her, claiming that she remembers  _ something  _ somehow. A distant feeling, a distant memory, a warm familiarity, that has her not running and reacting violently at Alex's or Maggie's or Sam's or J'onn's presence. 

 

Saying she knows- feels- remembers, somehow, deep down, they can be trusted– that they trust  _ her. _

 

And it's enough to make something inside Kara twinge.

 

But even then, she hasn't faced the woman yet. She hasn't talked to her yet. Always opting in watching from afar, observing, quietly wishing that it will be the day Lena  _ remembers.  _ Caring at a distance, worrying in silence, and trepidation riddling her of what ifs.

 

_ What if Lena doesn't remember? _

 

_ What if Lena doesn't accept Kara? _

 

_ What if Lena finds someone else, unbeknownst to Kara and their relationship, and fall in love? _

 

_ What if after everything she do, every day she dedicates to Lena remembering her, making her feel comfortable, having her fall in love with her, showering her with affection, what if Lena, at the end, doesn't want her? _

 

_ What if she tells Lena of them, of who she is to her, of who they are to each other, and Lena hates her for it? Rejects them? _

 

_ What then? _

 

Kara thinks she won't be able to handle that kind of pain.

 

So she kept her distance and dedicated all of her free time overlooking Lena's progress. Asking Alex of Lena's day. Asking Sam of Lena's thoughts and what she's feeling being in an unfamiliar place. Observed her quietly. Wished for her fast recovery. Handled L-Corp with the best of her abilities and knowledge and with the help of Jess. Refused to sleep in their shared apartment and instead, took a post in the room next to Lena's to better guard the woman because Rao knows the trauma of having Lena taken from her, hidden from her, won't be going away forever. She kept her distance but cared so much from afar.

 

“You should talk to her.”

 

Kara remained stoic, quiet, arms crossed and eyes focused on Lena and Alex conversing.

 

When she saw Lena smile, Kara almost did in reply. But she remembered that smile wasn't for her– and the smile that  _ was  _ for  _ her  _ won't be making an appearance any time soon, or maybe ever. And it hurt to think about it.

 

She averted her eyes from Lena when the woman glanced at her, seemingly feeling Kara's stare, head tilted to the side in quiet thought, green eyes not registering recognition.

 

She glance at Sam instead because whatever the woman is about to say is less painful than the unfamiliar looks Lena's throwing her way.

 

“I can't.” She answered quietly, resignedly, sadly.

 

Sam scoffed, “Of course you can. You just don't want to.” 

 

Kara reeled back in indignation, offended and guilty of being bluntly called out. Not even Alex said something so straightforward ever since Lena's abduction, often walking in tiptoes around Kara, skirting around the topic, and offering quiet comfort. So to receive it from someone who isn't Alex is enough to jerk a violent reaction out of Kara.

 

“How dare you! How can you say that? How can– how can you  _ assume–  _ when all I've wanted is to find her? You don't know what–”

 

“I do.” Sam cut off sharply. Tone fierce and angry.

 

Kara glared harder, eyes prickling, telltale signs of her heat vision activating. But Sam stood her ground, unrelenting and unafraid.

 

“I do. Because Lena is my best friend, she's my sister. She has been since she showed me kindness and  _ understood  _ me despite of everything I’ve done. Lena is important to me as she is to you, maybe we hold different roles in her life but it doesn't change the fact that I also lost her, I was also devastated when she was taken, I am also hurt because she doesn't remember me and our weekly get-togethers, I am as equally lost when she asked me who am I instead of making a sarcastic quip about our work and ridiculous workloads! I know, Kara because Lena is someone to me. So don't you dare say I don't.” Sam finished angrily, breath heaving and brown eyes glaring.

 

Kara felt herself deflate, tensed shoulders slumping in defeat. She sighed weakly, the events of the past few months settling heavily on her, bringing forth tears to make itself known. Stomach clenching uncomfortably and throat swallowing a heavy sob clawing to burst out.

 

She looked at Sam with tears in her eyes, eyes the color of ocean under a dark heavy storm. Eyes full of emotions. Eyes holding so much pain. Eyes still clinging to hope, no matter how slim. Eyes filled with insecurities. Blue eyes wrought in agony. Blue eyes forlorn and dejected.

 

“I'm scared, Sam. I'm terrified.” She whispered brokenly, hand coming to her face to hide her eyes from view.

 

“I'm so scared. I'm scared she won't love me. I'm scared she won't look at me the same way before. I'm scared of her not remembering me. I'm scared of her not knowing how important she is to me, how much I love her. I'm scared she will find someone new after all this. I'm scared she won't accept it if I tell her of our relationship. I'm scared– scared of her looking me in the eye with disgust, of suspicion wether I'm telling her the truth. I'm terrified of her knowing how much she means to me and her never reciprocating, even once she regains her memories. I'm scared she won't forgive me for taking too long to find her. I'm scared I've lost her  _ forever. _ I'm so terrified, Sam.” Her sobs came unbidden then, broken, excruciating, but quiet. Like she's restraining herself from pouring all of her fears out. Like she's afraid she will completely break apart.

 

Sam stood near her, circled her arms around Kara's shoulder, offering comfort, offering understanding, but also, offering the same fears of Lena not ever remembering who they are.

 

She rubbed her back soothingly, feeling the sobs racking Kara's strong frame, “Shhh, Kara. A love like that? It can't be easily forgotten.” She withdrew her arms, hands holding Kara on her shoulders, leaning down to look Kara straight in the eye, “Talk to her. She needs you, Kara. Now more than ever.”

 

The fears didn't evaporate. It wasn't soothed. It was still there, lurking, eating at Kara inside out, but she wants to face them. She wants to look them in the eye. Is almost ready to stand up against those fears.

 

But for now, she needs to break apart for the last time.

 

\---

 

Kara stood in front of Lena's room, hands wringing together, glasses perched comfortably on the bridge of her nose. Today, she's dressed as Kara Danvers. Today, she's ready to face the music. Today, she's gonna see Lena and be there for her more than she has been for the past three weeks. Her anxiety threatens to suffocate her, her fears gripping tightly at her heart, her insecurities clogging her throat. She's stil afraid. She's still terrified of the possibilities. She's still scared of getting her heart broken by the one person she knows she won't be able to heal from. She's standing in front of Lena's room in the DEO where she's currently being held for observation and tests to know the extent of damage Lillian did to Lena's brain and Kara's five seconds away from throwing herself into a panic attack.

 

_ What if she asks me to leave? _

 

_ What if she doesn't want to listen? _

 

_ What if she becomes uncomfortable if I tell her? _

 

_ What if she rejects the truth altogether? _

 

_ What then? _

 

A strong hand gripped her shoulder. Kara looked at the owner to see Alex standing next to her, lips pressed to a thin line. She squeezed Kara's shoulder, nodding firmly in encouragement, before putting it upon herself to knock on Lena's door.

 

Kara held her breath.

 

She counted five seconds before the familiar cadence of Lena's voice travelled through the wood.

 

“Come in.”

 

She felt her knees buckle, her breath stolen out of her, mind fogged with  _ yearning  _ and anxiety.

 

Another cant of the head towards Lena's door and a gentle push from her sister before Kara found herself tightly gripping the knob and opening the door to Lena's room. Undoubtedly crashing the metal in her hand.

 

She quietly entered, not daring to look up, hands fiddling with each other.

 

“Hi.” Lena greeted gently, like Kara's the fragile one between them. Like Kara's probable to breaking apart right then and there. Like Kara's the one in a hospital bed recuperating after eight months of psychological torture.

 

Kara looked up at Lena's word and felt her tears congregating at the corner of her eyes at the sight of Lena.

 

Lena, alive and there.

 

Lena, with a smile– confused but  _ there. _

 

Lena, with her green eyes, dark hair, and domineering presence that curls in itself into something fragile whenever alone with Kara.

 

Lena, strong, intelligent, and compassionate.

 

Lena, ready to shoulder everything the world throws at her without complaint.

 

Lena, kind, loveable, Lena.

 

Lena, her best friend and the woman she loves unconditionally.

 

Kara felt her knees buckle, she reached out to the chair nearby to steady her, easily disarmed by the green eyes looking intently at her.

 

Like she can see Kara's soul.

 

Like she can read everything Kara is feeling.

 

Like she  _ knows  _ just who Kara is in her life.

 

Piercing, steady, and penetrating, but kind and curious and soft under the DEO's clinical lights.

 

“H-hi.” She stuttered, still breathless. Still reeling.

 

Because Lena is alive and she's here and she's healthy and soft and still Lena. Maybe broken with nightmares, maybe riddled with anxiety more than before, maybe still recovering from her past arrangement, maybe feeling kinda stifled and caged, maybe still navigating through her mental health. But she's here and Kara's here and they're speaking and her hearing is cradled with Lena's familiar cadence and it's already so much more than she had for the last eight months that Lena was gone.

 

She took another step forward, now two feet away from Lena's bed, where the woman is sat with her legs dangling at the edge, looking thoughtfully at Kara and something else quite familiar but she can't put a finger on.

 

“How are you?” 

 

Lena smiled, “Fine. They let me have  _ two _ cups of pudding for dinner.” She relayed happily and Rao, it's such a childish thing to be excited about but it’s also so  _ Lena  _ because even if the woman likes eating consciously, always healthy, always the one reprobing Kara from eating too much junk food, pudding is Lena's guilty pleasure. It's so  _ Lena  _ that Kara can't help the watery chuckle she lets out. Because this is her Lena, her beautiful Lena, the Lena she fell in love with and is still hopelessly in love with.

 

She let the words out, not thinking of its effect, not minding her fears of rejection, not letting it hinder her, because this is her Lena, and she misses her so badly.

 

“It's nice seeing you. I missed you.” She confessed shakily, tears conspicuous, one freely running down her cheek.

 

Lena reached out for Kara's hand, holding it daintily, intertwining their fingers together and it's enough to make Kara's heart ache. A twinge of longing making her heart beat faster.

 

Lena looked at their hands together, its seemingly perfect way of fitting together–like a puzzle piece missing its half and finally finding it, then she smiled softly, happily, looking at Kara with earnest green eyes and something else familiar.

 

“It’s nice remembering you.” She uttered reverently, a tinge of awe and warmth coating her voice, eliciting more tears to escape from Kara's ocean blue eyes, to make Kara's heart beat rapidly, to have Kara's heart hoping. Hoping.  _ Hoping. _

 

Kara gasped, she grasped their intertwined hands with her other, trembling and crying and  _ hoping.  _ “Y–you remember m-me?” 

 

Lena looked down then, eyes forlorn, “No.”

 

And Kara almost pulled back, almost stumbled away, almost ran out of the room, almost let out a sob, heart slowly ripping to shreds at that simple word. Fears clawing at her throat and finally coming to life– no matter how she expected this. No matter how she already knows this.

 

But Lena's grip on her hand is strong and not even Kara's Kryptonian DNA could rip her hand away because of how weak that one word rendered her.

 

Lena looked at her again, green eyes earnest, meeting blue ones filled with tears, soft, warm, and tinged with something familiar.

 

“I- I don't remember your name but I remember– I remember that I love you. I love you.” 

 

And it was then that Kara recognised the  _ something familiar  _ in Lena's green eyes. It was late nights spent talking about everything under the sky. It was stargazing at Kara's apartment building's rooftop. It was morning coffees and sweet kisses between breakfast. It was surprise lunch dates and romantic dinners. It was gentle caresses on soft skin and whispered words of assurances. It was comfort, warmth, and strong embraces. It was lazy Sundays spent in bed and movie nights spent cuddled together. It was ridiculous pictures taken to make the other laugh. It was cheek kisses, forehead bumps, nuzzled noses, neck bites, and falling asleep knowing the other is  _ there.  _ It was playful banters, Saturday afternoon grocery runs, fights that didn't last long, make up conversations that always escalates to them in bed, mapping each other's skin, kissing a path of adoration on each other's body. It was soft gazes, gentle smiles, fond looks, endeared awes, and the warm presence of your soulmate. It was something familiar. It was theirs, always theirs. It was  _ love. _

 

Tears flowed freely from her eyes but she didn't make a move to wipe them away because she's loathe to let go of Lena's hands, now both of them holding onto each other. Refusing to let go, refusing to deprive themselves of each other, now that it's out there. Now that Kara's fears are unfounded. Now that Lena's looking at her warmly, softly, lovingly, green eyes earnest and tearful.

 

Kara brought their foreheads together, hands between them, space nonexistent, Kara a step away from straddling Lena, grips unrelenting and breaths mingling.

 

She closed her eyes firmly, willing herself to wake up if this is just a dream because it's a nightmare Kara doesn't think she'll be able to recover from. But she opens her eyes and meets green ones looking at her adoringly and Kara lets a sob pass her lips, because this is  _ real. _

 

“I love you too. So much.”

 

And it's not entirely fixed, everything's not entirely back to normal. Lena still doesn't remember her and Lillian's trial is still underway. They still have a lot to work on, a lot to catch up on, a lot to fix, a lot of tears to cry, a lot of hardships to face. But Lena loves her and Kara loves her back and for now that's enough. Their love for each other is enough. Because they'll work together to get there. To be okay. To be better. To heal. To finally remember. It may not be anytime soon but it won't be for long now. Because they have  _ this.  _ They have each other and the tight grip and unwillingness to let go to hold onto.

  
  
  



End file.
